Im scared. again.
to death. yes im standing here, no tears, but no smile.
I talked to you. MY “X” the first person that told me that loved me.
the first person I believed in.
The person that made me realize that everyone lies.
every single person, Lies.
I talked to you.
& Iwasnt dead cold & defensive like when we spoke after you chose him.
i tried to be as it was before, before every thing, before him, before us.
it hitted me.
that was what we were supposed to be, after “us”.
then it hitted me harder, the “feeling”
in my stomach, no, not butterflies, but anger, fear.
I trusted you. I told myself I have had forgiven you.
but I havent, I tried, & I try.
but i know that If I cross one day with him. I would bleed my knuckles on his face.
for what he did to me, for what he did to you.
you came, & made a better version of me.
but when everything fell down.
I rotted, & I there was nothing good left in me.
you ruined me.
now I dont trust, I dont want to love, I am paranoic.
it hurts, I hate. & I love.
now Im with some one. I’ve gotten over you.
I love her, yes I do.
but I cannot trust in love anymore.
I am not a good person anymore.
& I havent spoken about how hurt I have been.
about how bad I had felt
about how much hatred I’ve got.
memories flash backs, & I dont feel nostalgia, I dont feel happiness.
I feel sick. I was a Fool. I was tricked & fooled.
I dont want you back. I want my soul back, I want my happiness back.
I want everything you destroyed back.
now Im scared that she will leave me, that she doesnt love me, that she lies to me, that she choses some one elses over me. like every one elses, like you.
im scared, im terrified.
I refuse to believe.
I know what is like to believe & it makes me wanna scream.